We have our first blogger sharing a time in their life. please read, love the raw beauty of her soul and encourage her!
changing names for anonymity
Ring, Ring, Ring “Hey babe, what sup? I just left, why are you calling me?” says Henry casually driving to practice.
” Who is Scarlett red lips?” Julia asks as she is casually searching on google and happens to have google’s best guesses and most recent search history up on the computer. She innocently goes on to find out why this one actress in a tv show looks so familiar only to be bombarded with googles dirty little secrets.
“I am going to watch her until you get home” she calmly reacts to this not so new idea that her husband might have an addiction to pornography.
” NO, I AM COMING HOME NOW, IM SORRY, IM SORRY, IM SORRY! Stop watching Julia, PLEASE!” as Henry pleads in embarrassment and shame in being found out.
“nope. I will watch till you get here so I know exactly why you need this over me.” click. Julia hangs up in shock, disgust, trying so hard to keep watching but with no desire whatsoever to get caught in this trap so many people pine over.
What do I do? Why am I not good enough? I thought this would be over when we got married. yes, I knew that he struggled, we have many conversations, I ran over his computer while we were dating in sadness. I am constantly getting to this point again where I need to add more filters, more passwords, less time apart in times where he could struggle or look, or be tempted into thinking for one small moment that it’s okay. When I share that we have struggled with pornography in our marriage,80% of the time, the person I share with also is going through something oh so familiar. YET we still don’t talk about it openly and without guilt and shame and darkness.
Henry rushes home in tears. which to be honest I only have seen him cry MAYBE 2 times before this.
“I don’t know why I even do this”, he shares ” I can’t help it, I look, feel guilty, can’t bring myself to tell you, and then look again in shame and being stressed out with lying”… It is a constant cycle so far in our 4 years of marriage. Couple months go by, I come home early, he looks sheepish, I instantly guess what’s been happening. deny, deny, FINALLY, he shares and I look at him and say “WHY DO YOU LIE!” I am honestly more upset with the lying than actually looking at pornography. Why am I so easy to lie too, even though I KNOW, with my gut that he is lying. But you don’t want to call him out every time it happens.
the thief comes to kill, steal and destroy…. well it is killing our marriage, it’s stealing joy and memories, and it is destroying a man who could be doing amazing things without the crippling effect of addiction.
please share with me that I am not alone in this story.
This is Part of a Story…..Only one part.