I love my family, job, spouse, lifestyle (trying to be healthier, post to follow), and my kids.
My husband has been supportive of my schooling, work, youth leadership and now my youth leadership has become my work being a youth pastor. I really don’t know anyone that is in my position, Small children, full time working husband, and being a youth pastor. I know a lot of youth pastors, but it is different being the female/mom and being in a ministry position that is nights and weekends demanding as a youth pastor.
I love that we have both taken paternity for our kids, we have supported our endeavours to finish our BA’s, play sports, work out, have outside hobbies in general, but for some reason we keep hitting a wall of priorities. I am sure most marriages hit this wall in different ways. Our oldest is turning three this summer and we will slowly get busier with soccer, pre-school, play dates on top of our regular routine we are trying to get into a groove with now.
So how do people do it? how do you choose what is important without compromising everywhere? I love going to every grad ceremony, cheering on sports teams, and having one on one coffee dates with students and leaders. But that involves being out 2-3 times a week and a couple times on the weekend outside of regular work hours. We have recently gotten into a small argument about a weekend baseball tournament my husband wishes to attend, but it is during my missions trip (away for 10 days) and we don’t have a ton of support when it comes to watching the kids longer than a few hours. I don’t feel comfortable with the idea, and he just wants to play and is upset that I am away for 10 days. We knew this was going to happen every two years with my ministry/ job description, and despite as much communication as we can have, we still fall short on the understanding department.
I know this sounds dumb, but this kind of conversation happens a lot, I apologize and compensate for the outside of 9-5 hours i work (that are apart of the job), but than i think, how much should I be doing? am I doing enough? am I bad mom? am I putting my family last? When all these questions hit me, i start cleaning more, working harder at home and at the office, I try to take on the impossible and a lot of the times I fail.
It can only be through Him who gives me strength. I know when i start feeling burnt out, broken, ready to hide under my blanket and give up, that is Satan’s way of say “aha! I told you being a pastor was stupid, your not good enough, don’t you SEE your child hates you?! don’t you see that you suck at mentoring, discipling, and maintaining a youth group?”
I can do ALL things through Him who gives me STRENGTH.
I need to call out, know that these are normal issues in ministry, life as a parent, and spousal disagreements.
I can do all things through HIM who gives me strength.
I know that what i am doing is for HIS glory, and I know that I LOVE MINISTRY! I love my youth, my leaders, my church, my everything.
I know that my kids love me, and my son loves cuddling me and letting me read and pray with him, he LOVES Church and loves his church friends, and LOVES knowing where my office is. He loves me.
My husband knows i am doing my best, and I am supporting every way i can, And that I should be in ministry despite how spiritually difficult it is at times.
I know that only through Jesus Christ, I can do this life well. and live life to the fullest!
So yes, I am Double Income 2 Kids. It is hard, stressful, but so fulfilling, full of love, and full of God’s grace.
If you see me, maybe buy me a coffee 🙂 or SUSHI! but i know I am not the only one who has these thoughts and feelings.