I find myself doing a lot of comparing the wishing and dreaming these days.
I was just “texting” two of my best friends who I used to be roommates with and we were all servers at different restaurants and lived a carefree life. Well it was carefree compared to my life now. I sent them a text that was inspired by a girl in her early twenties who ran past me with ear phones in her ears and her perfect little running outfit on as I was playing with my children in park. She looked adorable and I looked completely exhausted as I sipped my coffee and yelled at my son to stop throwing rocks over the neighbors fence. This is what my text said:
“remember when we were servers and would stay up late and wake up late and go for runs at 11 am. we would make tons of tip money and spend it all on clothes, eating out and bottles of wine. Sometimes I want to punch that girl in the face and tell her to enjoy every moment she has alone now, because you will forget what it feels like one day.”
My two newly mommy friends sent back similar responses with a lot of “Lol’s” and “if only we knew then what we know now.”
I remember feeling this exact way when I was in first year university and had moved out of the house and was trying to find a recreational basketball or volley ball team to play on that didn’t cost and arm and a leg to join. Balancing work, rent, boyfriend, school, and staying fit was sure an act. I would often say: “man I had it good in high school. free rent, free school, no job, free sports and food was free calories”
It seems that the grass is always greener. Life was always better. Life was always easier.
I have this problem also when I compare my life to some of my other friends lives. Some of my friends do not have to work and get to stay home even when their children are in school. Some of my friends are way better at committing to a healthier lifestyle than I am. Some of my friends have children who never seem to cause them as much stress as mine cause me. Some of my friends are going on vacations every month.
I hate that I can let other peoples joy and blessing become my jealousy and self pity.
At church on Sunday we were encouraged to let the Holy Spirit lead us. We were reminded that God has a calling on our lives and He has a purpose for each one of us. When I accepted Jesus as my savior, all those years ago, I was filled with the Holy Spirit and it is up to me to let Him guide me. I really was hit hard by this message. I have too often let other peoples lives or words or even my own selfishness, guide me. I have let it have a hold on my life. I was called to be a “light” in this dark world and I am letting the world distract me.
I should re-joyous with my friends and turn to Jesus with the desires of my heart. I shouldn’t just sit like a grumpy lump and text my friends about how horribly hard and stressful my life is right now. I should count my many blessings and find ways that God has called me to be a blessing to others. I have an AMAZING husband and two BEAUTIFUL and HEALTHY children. I have a job that allows me to be home ALL day with my children. I have friends in all walks of life that are living this adventure along side me.
Am I being a good friend when I text them or bring up a conversation about how good life used to be or how “good” another friend has it? Nope. I am not. I am just trying to bring them down. I really need to retrain myself to be a positive influence on all my relationships.
Now, I don’t actually think that you should never vent or discuss your sorrows. But there is a proper time and place for it. The way I word it is also important. Having friends I can share everything with has actually saved me a lot in counseling. I just need to make sure I am sharing things that are my own story. I shouldn’t be gossiping or spreading bad thoughts and feelings around about other people.
I have thought a lot about how I can make this happen. How can I change my attitude? How can I be a positive influence on my friendships, marriage, family, neighborhood, and children? Like all great missions in life it starts with Prayer. I am praying now that my mind is switched. That I am God focused and not goal focused. I will take it one play date at a time, one day at a time, and one friendship at a time. All while letting God lead my words and thoughts.
changing my Jealously to Joy is a life long process that I need to Let God take the drivers seat in. Learning to let go of my selfish desires and let God’s dreams and Goals for my life become my own is hard. I can’t do it alone. I can not do it without prayer. I do not have to do it alone. With God, I am never alone.