I have always had a struggle with body image in some way, shape or form. The nice thing is, I have mostly viewed myself as beautiful, not your typical magazine beauty,but the beauty that most people find attractive but cant point out what the best feature is. At a young age, I was told i was unique, pretty, funny, and average height, weight, build. in high school, i knew i wasn’t the same size as the average girl i knew and hung out with. My friends would share clothes with me, and i could fit them, but they were tighter on me and looser on them, it didn’t bother me. My body was all i knew, so I didn’t have a problem with it, because my maturity grew with my body. Until after high school
It all started when my boyfriend broke up with me after we had already said i love you, talked about our future, and I didn’t see it coming. I would of done anything for him, and he just let it slip away (my mentality then, now I AM THANKFUL IT HAPPENED!). One thing he told me, was that I wasn’t skinny enough for him, or couldn’t run long distances (that’s why you break up with someone?!). I knew he was really into fitness, and he said he was fine with me not wanting to run 3 hrs with him everyday. Apparently not… That first week, those words just ran over and over in my head. So I started running. asked my dad to drop me off somewhere so my only choice was to run/jog/walk home. I remember looking in the mirror, and see my really odd short haircut that i got because he said he liked shorter hair, and thinking i literally did everything for him! Which made me more upset and made me run longer, harder, and faster. For 2-3 months i ran every second day between 10-20 km depending on how lost i was in my thoughts. i remember coming home and not knowing how long i was gone for. around the 2nd month, my calves started giving me a lot of pain. i notice a Vericose vein had popped on my right leg (at 18 that was the WORST THING EVER!), and i still ran and would take tylenol. finally i went to the doctors and he told me that i had no room for my muscles to expand in my calves, therefore causing internal bruising. At this point, i was 115 lbs, size 5, boobless. i was smaller than my grade 8 self. I felt so confident in my new beauty that for the first time i looked at photo’s from my past and thought i was ugly and fat.
God had a plan, because of this new leg issue, i was no longer allowed to run, let alone walk for long periods of time, so that it can hopefully loosen the calf area if it wasn’t so muscular (this time is a little bit foggy with accurate details), but it ended up making me no longer run. I felt so confident, always staring at myself, my hair and grown out a bit, i went to College and everyone wanted to be my friend and hang out (little did i know it was just because i was single, not just because of looks, and apparently i am funny and adventurous). It took probably that whole 2 semesters after to see what kind of running monster i had become, and that because of this coping mechanism, i could no longer look at my normal healthy self the same way.
There is obviously a lot more to this story, but the key points are in here, I learned so much in this experience, it still affects me (calves bruising), the nice thing is I have a husband who loves me, supports me, and encourages me in the proper way. Its way harder to feel motivated to lose weight because he is so nice to me. BUT, this time, if i do lose weight, it would be for me and not because I don’t fit in his ideal. I love that my husband, youth girls, friends have all loved me for more than my physical appearance ( i am not 300 lbs, just not a size 5) and it has made me more confident in my whole self. the sad part is. i was 100 percent happy with myself in high school and now because of some discouraging life items i am about 60 percent happy 40 percent envious of others. I will not overcome without the support of God, and Him guiding through this stage of post baby life.
This is one of the few stories I have with my recovery to being healthy, happy and thankful for the gift God has given me.