This Post is not meant to condemn or judge or prove any sort of superiority or make anyone feel like a horrible parent. This post is all about explaining myself. I feel miss understood when I tell someone the longest I have left my son is the 12 hours I spent in the hospital while having my daughter (who I have yet to leave for longer than 4 hours.)
All moms Love their children. All Children are amazing and challenging all rolled into one. All Families are unique.
My husband and I have made the decision to not leave our children if we do not have to. We don’t want to leave them just for the sake of leaving them. It doesn’t go well with our personalities to leave our two most prized and cherished pumpkins to spend time alone. Do not get me wrong, We do date nights and I get away with the girls for a few hours but we have yet to find the need to be away from them for much longer. It probably helps that our children are still super young and we would be unbelievably sorry for who ever had to stay over night with them since my oldest wants help on the potty 2 times a night and my youngest will randomly scream to be re-tucked-in.
I love hearing stories of couples getting away for the weekend and was super envious of my sister who spent the week in Mexico with her husband for their 5th anniversary. (I took care of their little owlet for one day and night, lucky auntie lion!) I think it is super important to know who you are as a couple and not just as fellow parents raising the same little lion cubs. Your children will leave one day and you will be alone with your husband staring each other in the face and then what? But… (here is the big BUT) That day will come sooner than you think and your children will be gone before you even know it. We have a huge responsibility in our hands at this very moment. Yes, my children need their parents to stay married and stay connected and be a united unit. Although this is super important and sometimes couples need a weekend away to reconnect and refocus, we do not.
My husband makes it a huge priority to do family days every Saturday. We pick a location and go on a hike. During the hike our children nap and we talk. We talk and talk and talk. There is nothing else to do. We talk while our children snore away in our ears while resting on our backs listening to our heavy-hiking- breathing and talking. I feel so rejuvenated at the end of these hikes. We talk about the crazy things our kids did and discuss how we should start disciplining a new bad habit. We talk about our dreams and what we want to do in the near and far future as a couple and as a family. I love these adventures together because while we are reconnecting our little babies are safely with us. I do not have to think about how they are doing or get distracted from my conversation with my sweet husband with thoughts about what trouble they may be getting into. At this stage in their lives I want them close.
I want to experience all their firsts with them. I want to show them the amazing waterfalls and mountain tops and crystal clear lakes that we experience on our outings. It won’t always be like this. There will be times when they no longer want to come with us. There will be times when it is better to leave them behind. There will be times when we need to leave them. Those times are not now.
We have only been parents for just under 3 years. Our babies are babies and I need to stop feeling guilty for not leaving them. My God is number one in my life, My husband is number 2 and my children are number three. That is the way it will always be. That doesn’t mean that my “number 3” doesn’t take up most of my time and effort and energy. Those beautiful little babies need me. Soon they will not. Soon they will understand that Daddy is important to mommy and Mommy is important to daddy. They will soon understand that the world doesn’t revolve around them. They will grow and have a firm and solid foundation of love surrounding them that they will be secure and confident children. But for now, they need me. They need me at my best, yes. They need me.
So, I am choosing not to feel like a horrible wife or an over bearing mother. I am choosing to stand proud by our families decision. The day will come when we will need to leave those two sweet children for a few weeks and it will be hard. It will be a transition and I will shed more tears than them. That day is coming closer than I would like. I am already dreading leaving them. But, I know they will be fine. I know I will be fine. I know that God has huge plans for my family and in order to increase our families numbers we will have to venture off without our two babies.
Why are we leaving our two children whom I said I would never leave? We are starting the Adoption Process.
Our family is starting the beautiful and scary and nerve wracking adventure of Adoption. Our hearts and minds and souls are set on Haiti and in order to continue and eventually finish the process we will need to leave our two babies at home to get our babies in Haiti. Our family will come back together, Bigger, Stronger, and more Beautiful than we have ever been. Only God knows all the timing and details but He has let us in on His secret and that is where our family is headed. I can not wait. Even as I sit here typing this I think about my son or daughter who are probably already born just waiting for me to hold them. Little do they know, they are already apart of our adventure. They already have a mom and dad who are praying for them and long for that first embrace. My heart is connected to theirs and I pray for them earnestly every day.
I do not like being separated from my children. Adoption is going to stretch me in ways I am not ready for. I am longing for the future for when all this is over. When the paper work is all filed away and my children are ALL cuddled in our arms watching a movie on the couch laughing at all the weird jokes. My heart longs for it.
I do not like being separated from my children. So I wont. I will keep the two children God has given us, close. I will let them go as God prompts me to. I will hold them and love them. I will love their daddy and I will cherish and nurture our marriage. But I will not let my children go. Not yet. Not when there is no need. My children who I have yet to meet will one day know this love. It breaks my heart that they may not be feeling the security and love and trust that I want them to feel. So I pray. So I pray and pray and pray. Prayer is a powerful weapon. Seriously. so powerful.
God does not like to be separated from us. So I pray. He is my father who has not left me. He is the helicopter parent I need. He catches me when I fall and he guides my every step. I know that when I am close to Him and pour out my heart in prayer, He listens. He will hold my babies close until I can be there. He will love them always and protect them until I can be there. I will not worry because that will not solve anything. I will just pray.
As long as I am not separated from God I will not be separated from my children.
This is my life now. Tomorrow it may change. That is why I have never left my children.